Things - Louis C.K..mp3

[00:00.000] 作词 : Louis C.K.
[00:01.000] 作曲 : Louis C.K.
[00:07.545]I used to date a woman who was a vegan, so I had to **** her with my dick substitute and, uh…
[00:10.466]‘Member when meeting a vegan was weird? Remember when there was like a strange thing, like, “Oh, what is — what is that?”
[00:16.311]Like, you probably met your first vegan in the ’90s. You had like a dinner party and somebody brought a vegan
[00:22.951]and they said, “Just so you know, I’m vegan,” and you’re like, “I’m sorry, you’re a vegetarian?” And they’re like, “Heh, no.”
[00:29.859]All right, what is the thing? And they tell all the… Huh? Okay. Uh-huh. Yeah, I have no food for you.
[00:37.825]You can eat a napkin and shit paper, I don’t care.
[00:41.014]But then you met another vegan and you’re like, “Okay,” and then — and now they’re everywhere, now who cares?
[00:46.857]There’s several vegans and restaurants and whatever. It’s kind of like gay people sort of a similar trajectory of growth and acceptance in the culture. You know?
[00:56.685]Gay people and vegans have a lot in common — like, they both have to tell their families at Thanksgiving. That’s when they have to tell them.
[01:02.795]And Dad gets angry.
[01:05.717]“Your mother worked all night cooking that turkey, and you’re telling me you’re a ****ing faggot?!”
[01:13.154]You know, it’s drama.
[01:17.669]But those are the old days, things are better now.
[01:23.247]I think it’s pretty amazing when you think about it. People used to say that being gay was wrong.
[01:28.029]Pretty recently, folks used to — like, most people used to say that being gay was wrong,
[01:31.748]‘course it’s not wrong to be gay. I mean, it’s pretty gay but it’s not wrong, but that’s what people used to say.
[01:37.857]And now nobody says that. And I think that’s a positive change. I think that’s a good thing,
[01:41.842]although I do wonder if there are gay people who miss when it was wrong.
[01:47.153]Maybe there’s a few who miss when it was — ’cause wasn’t it a little more fun,
[01:51.404]when it was like, “This is ****ing crazy.”
[01:55.920]Didn’t that… Didn’t give it a little zhuzh.
[02:00.966]A little… I could lose my job. Aw, ****…
[02:04.685]Because… Now they’re like everybody else, which is great. And they can get married. That’s terrific. But is that fun to **** your husband at your house?
[02:16.639]Wasn’t it more fun to be in an old nightclub at 4:00 in the morning, like, “I’m breaking my mother’s heart. Oh, yeah.”
[02:25.138]I don’t know, I don’t even mean just gay people, just some people like when sex is a little ****ed up. You know?
[02:33.373]“Some people!” Some people like when sex is a little ****ed up.
[02:44.472][Chuckles]
[02:45.003]All right.
[02:45.800][Laughs]
[02:48.388]No… All right now, you want to talk about this? Should we talk about it?
[02:54.432][Cheering and applause]
[02:56.024]Yeah, all right, all right. I don’t mind — I don’t mind talking about it.
[02:58.682]Okay. Um…
[02:59.744][Laughs]
[03:04.259]Here’s what — I’ll give you some advice.
[03:08.774]Here’s some advice that really only I can give you.
[03:14.088]Here’s my advice: if you ever ask somebody, “Can I jerk off in front of you?”
[03:19.135][Scattered laughter]
[03:22.057]Let me finish. I mean —
[03:23.650][Laughter and applause]
[03:25.244]I mean… Let me finish what I’m saying!
[03:30.556]Ah… Ah, ****. Okay. If you’ve ever ask somebody, “May I jerk off in front of you,” and they say yes, just say, “Are you sure?”
[03:48.024]That’s the first part.
[03:49.884]And then if they say yes, just don’t ****ing do it. Just — just don’t do it.
[03:56.197]‘Cause, look, whatever you’re into, okay? ‘Cause everybody’s got their thing. Whatever your thing is, I don’t know. You all have your thing.
[04:03.301]I don’t know what your thing is. You’re so ****ing lucky that I don’t know what you’re thing is.
[04:08.352]Do you understand how lucky you are that people don’t know your ****ing thing? ‘Cause everybody knows my thing.
[04:15.725]Everybody knows my ****ing thing now.
[04:19.178]Obama knows my thing. Do you understand how that feels?
[04:24.757]To know that Obama was like, “Good lord!”
[04:30.333]Everybody in the world knows my thing.
[04:38.037]I got on an airplane in Italy, this little kid was like, “Mama, that’s the guy who jerk off in front of the people!”
[04:44.147]So whatever your thing is, I don’t know what it is, maybe you can’t cum unless you have your father on speaker phone, whatever it is.
[05:00.615]If you want to do it with somebody else, you need to ask first, but if they say yes, you still don’t get to just go, “Whoo!”And charge ahead —
[05:06.726]gotta check in often. I guess that’s what I would say.
[05:11.241]Check in, because it’s not always clear how people feel.
[05:13.898]Like, men are taught to make sure the woman is okay. But the thing is, women know how to seem okay when they’re not okay.
[05:19.620]So you can’t just look at her face be like, “Yeah, her eyes are dry. We’re fine. We’ll just keep going” —
[05:24.666]You gotta check in. ‘Cause sex — communication, during sex can be very confusing, like, sometimes, you’re with a woman, you’re having sex, she’s making noises, she’s going, like,
[05:33.166]“Ooh, ahh.” And you’re like, “Oh, she loves it.”
[05:37.151]Not necessarily. Sometimes they’re making those noises just to get through it,
[05:42.994]because it’s easier to go, “Ooh,” than to say, “I hate how you **** me. Honestly, it’s awful.” So she goes, “Ooh, baby!”
[05:52.490]It’s kind of like a Negro spiritual, it’s sort of similar.
[05:58.600]So to assume that she likes it is like if they heard slaves singing in the fields, and they’re like, “Hey, you’re having a great time out there!”
[06:05.506][Laughter]
[06:14.005]As far as my thing — I dunno what the ****…
[06:17.193]People are like, “Why do you want to do it anyway?” Okay, oh, no. I like jerking off, I don’t like being alone. That’s all I can tell you. I —
[06:24.310]I get lonely! “Where is everyone?” It’s just sad. I like company. I like to share. I’m good at it, too.
[06:32.545]If you’re good at juggling, you wouldn’t do it alone in the dark.
[06:35.466]You would gather folks and amaze them.
[06:38.918][Laughter]
[06:44.496]Anyway, that’s all I’m going to say about that shit.
[06:47.419][Cheering and applause]